What a stuff up????

I am stuffing up hugely.  I am in a place where I don’t even know myself anymore.  I am doing the strangest things.  Most of it totally out of character and I can’t seem to stop.  What the hell is going on???

I thought that myself and Mr B is sorting our problems out, but I have realised that he is the only one trying to sort anything out.  I am simply tolerating his efforts and not encouraging anything.  I am such a coward.  I am too afraid to tell him how I really feel and it is not fair to him.  Instead of sitting down and talking to him I run for the nearest pool table and escape from reality.  It is the only place where I feel safe at the moment.  I think I am losing my grip on reality. I need to snap out of this state. 

I am usually a cool, calm, collected and loyal person.  I usually have my priorities in order.  I am the one most people run to for advice or assistance because “you’ve been through it all”.  Is that a good quality or does it simply mean that I have made a total mess of my life??? What does it mean when a relativestranger comes up to you and asks you where your spark has gone??? I normally have a very bubbly infectious personality.  I seem to be able to make people laugh and that has often caused problems in my relationships.  It is weird that that is normally what attracts a person to me in the first place but then later it becomes a problem.  I can’t help it that people enjoy my company.  Should I sit in the corner and just become an observer because I am in a relationship?  Should my partner not have enough trust in me to know that I am just being who I am?  Why should it now turn into a case of me simply looking for and enjoying attention from other men?? I have been here before and it is not going to get any better.  I know that for a fact.  It will only get worse and I would understand Mr B reacting the way that he does if I was a beautiful women with men dangling at my feet, but that is not the case.  I am an average looking woman who happen to have a very positive effect on people around me and that is why they want to be around me. Maybe my destiny is to not be in a relationship.  Maybe I should simply just continue being a friend to everyone and be done with the whole relationship scene. After all, I have my children who will love me and hold me and kiss me and be happy to see me after a long day at work.  I am too independent to try and be something that somebody else want me to be.  I am too set in my ways to try to change and fit in with what another person wants me to do.  I simply just want to be able to be myself.

Here is a special treat.  I treated myself to a professional photoshoot a while back and this is my favourite picture.  This one is especially for Chuck!!!



10 Responses to What a stuff up????

  1. Katt says:

    Starting from the bottom up, that is a STUNNING pic!

    Just take one step at a time. If you want to hide behind a pool table, then maybe you should. The answers will come but they usually arrive on their own, they tend to hide away when you go looking for them.

    Thinking of you and you know where to find me.


  2. Terri says:

    Yep that is a beautiful photo!

    And I think my response to this post is much better suited to an email…


  3. buddess says:

    Katt – Thanks Katt. I have tried to stay away from the pool tables and I think I must go play a game this afternoon. Time won’t allow me the luxury for it from later this week seeing that I will be MOVING HOUSE and living in another suburb altogether.

    Terri – Thanks for the mail!! Don’t be alarmed with me not responding yet. I am getting to it. Thank you so much for caring!!! XX

  4. chuck says:

    first off if that is what they call, “average” in sa, then i’m packing up and moving there. we call that a “10” in the u.s. and i’m proud that it was for me. secondly, when i do get there i’m gonna kick mr. b in the arse! and tell him to wake up. have you seen the movie, “The Break Up” ? it has a lot of good points especially about possibly “insinuating” what you mean but not actually saying it where the second party knows “exactly” what you mean. sounds like you can kind of express yourself to others but are you letting mr.b know exactly what is going on with you ? if you work it out with him and that’s what you really want, then great, but if you decide to go your seperate ways and that’s what you want, then that’s great too, life’s too stressful to spend it with someone that’s not right for you. i’d rather be alone then to be lonely with someone. like you said you have the love of your children and no matter what you decide their love and affection is going nowhere, good luck and i really mean it, you’ve cheered me up a few times when i needed it whether you realized it or not. take care and don’t forget the foot picture.

  5. chitty says:

    Do whatever you need to do, but remember not to neglect yourself in the process. You’ve come too far and been through too much to play second fiddle.
    As for you being average… are you nuts? You have raised the average bar so high, other women are crying in their hands.

  6. angel says:

    stunning picture girl! i really should do that too sometime…

    as for your other stuff… i wish i had some magic sit-com words for you… but you’re in my prayers doll.

    and i know exactly where you’re coming from w.r.t. “friendly = easy” in a lot of mens eyes (yes i’m generalising, please don’t all take it personally)! its very frustrating that i have to tone my behaviour down or i get into trouble! ridiculous!

  7. buddess says:

    Chuck – I am so glad you liked it and I am blushing! I had a long serious talk with Mr B and told him exactly how I felt and he didn’t react like I thought he would. Instead he apologised and asked my foregiveness. We are taking it one day at a time and so far it is going very well. As for packing your bags, go right ahead. All the woman in South Africa are beautiful.

    Chitty – That picture proves that even the average girl can look stunning with a little bit of makeup and good lighting. Thank you for the compliment!!!

    EHR – Seeing that the last time you saw me, we were 18, do you think I still look the same????

    Angel – The whole process was such a treat and the pictures a wonderful reward. Part of the serious talk I had with Mr B was about me being “too friendly” and I told him that that is who I am and if he wants me to change, we might as well call it quits because I can’t change my personality. Thank you for the kind words.

  8. EHR says:

    You look even better than when we were 18! (I did see pictures of you at the Reunion. Don’t bluff yourself – lighting and make-up might have played a part, but you played the biggest part. I would like to see the rest of the pictures.
    To answer your question – you look better than when we were 18!

  9. buddess says:

    ehr – aaaaaaaaaaaaah thanks!!! You have made my day!!

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