I am stuffing up hugely. I am in a place where I don’t even know myself anymore. I am doing the strangest things. Most of it totally out of character and I can’t seem to stop. What the hell is going on???
I thought that myself and Mr B is sorting our problems out, but I have realised that he is the only one trying to sort anything out. I am simply tolerating his efforts and not encouraging anything. I am such a coward. I am too afraid to tell him how I really feel and it is not fair to him. Instead of sitting down and talking to him I run for the nearest pool table and escape from reality. It is the only place where I feel safe at the moment. I think I am losing my grip on reality. I need to snap out of this state.
I am usually a cool, calm, collected and loyal person. I usually have my priorities in order. I am the one most people run to for advice or assistance because “you’ve been through it all”. Is that a good quality or does it simply mean that I have made a total mess of my life??? What does it mean when a relativestranger comes up to you and asks you where your spark has gone??? I normally have a very bubbly infectious personality. I seem to be able to make people laugh and that has often caused problems in my relationships. It is weird that that is normally what attracts a person to me in the first place but then later it becomes a problem. I can’t help it that people enjoy my company. Should I sit in the corner and just become an observer because I am in a relationship? Should my partner not have enough trust in me to know that I am just being who I am? Why should it now turn into a case of me simply looking for and enjoying attention from other men?? I have been here before and it is not going to get any better. I know that for a fact. It will only get worse and I would understand Mr B reacting the way that he does if I was a beautiful women with men dangling at my feet, but that is not the case. I am an average looking woman who happen to have a very positive effect on people around me and that is why they want to be around me. Maybe my destiny is to not be in a relationship. Maybe I should simply just continue being a friend to everyone and be done with the whole relationship scene. After all, I have my children who will love me and hold me and kiss me and be happy to see me after a long day at work. I am too independent to try and be something that somebody else want me to be. I am too set in my ways to try to change and fit in with what another person wants me to do. I simply just want to be able to be myself.
Here is a special treat. I treated myself to a professional photoshoot a while back and this is my favourite picture. This one is especially for Chuck!!!