What a stuff up????

May 25, 2007

I am stuffing up hugely.  I am in a place where I don’t even know myself anymore.  I am doing the strangest things.  Most of it totally out of character and I can’t seem to stop.  What the hell is going on???

I thought that myself and Mr B is sorting our problems out, but I have realised that he is the only one trying to sort anything out.  I am simply tolerating his efforts and not encouraging anything.  I am such a coward.  I am too afraid to tell him how I really feel and it is not fair to him.  Instead of sitting down and talking to him I run for the nearest pool table and escape from reality.  It is the only place where I feel safe at the moment.  I think I am losing my grip on reality. I need to snap out of this state. 

I am usually a cool, calm, collected and loyal person.  I usually have my priorities in order.  I am the one most people run to for advice or assistance because “you’ve been through it all”.  Is that a good quality or does it simply mean that I have made a total mess of my life??? What does it mean when a relativestranger comes up to you and asks you where your spark has gone??? I normally have a very bubbly infectious personality.  I seem to be able to make people laugh and that has often caused problems in my relationships.  It is weird that that is normally what attracts a person to me in the first place but then later it becomes a problem.  I can’t help it that people enjoy my company.  Should I sit in the corner and just become an observer because I am in a relationship?  Should my partner not have enough trust in me to know that I am just being who I am?  Why should it now turn into a case of me simply looking for and enjoying attention from other men?? I have been here before and it is not going to get any better.  I know that for a fact.  It will only get worse and I would understand Mr B reacting the way that he does if I was a beautiful women with men dangling at my feet, but that is not the case.  I am an average looking woman who happen to have a very positive effect on people around me and that is why they want to be around me. Maybe my destiny is to not be in a relationship.  Maybe I should simply just continue being a friend to everyone and be done with the whole relationship scene. After all, I have my children who will love me and hold me and kiss me and be happy to see me after a long day at work.  I am too independent to try and be something that somebody else want me to be.  I am too set in my ways to try to change and fit in with what another person wants me to do.  I simply just want to be able to be myself.

Here is a special treat.  I treated myself to a professional photoshoot a while back and this is my favourite picture.  This one is especially for Chuck!!!

                                      jo-2.jpg

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Daze of my life

May 23, 2007

It has been a while – again!!  Life is full of oodles and noodles and a little bit fun at the moment.

My last post was a bit nostalgic and I think has left a few people very confused.  Maybe that is a good thing.  Put some mystery back into my blog.  But alas, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I know that is why I get so emotional about things. 

It has been a tough period and full of good and bad happenings.  The good is that

my business is doing well,

my team won the Super 14,

I played in a pool competition as part of a team for our pub and won the games that I had to play,

I found a new place of residence,

The bad is

business could be better,

the rest of our team didn’t do so well and we lost the compo by 2 games,

I have to move again.

As far as my relationship is going, I don’t know if it is going to be going up or down.  For now, we are moving together and will take it step by step. Staying together is better for our two little ones and while we are not fighting and also while things are peaceful at home, it is best for them that we stay together as long as possible.  Falling in love is wonderful, but falling out of love is shattering. It is not that either of us are involved with someone else, but rather that we don’t seem to love each other anymore.  We have grown used to having each other around and are more like friends than lovers. Enough said about that.

Our other blogger friend Celeste, is doing well and her baby is due in about a month. She has to fight with her other half to get access to the computer and she is seriously suffering withdrawals.  So, this is me saying hi to all of her readers and just letting you know that she is well and blossoming.